Sorrow Botan's POV
by Yuugiamethyst
Summary: Very depressing, two people are slowly dieing on the inside. What to do with your life now?


A mask.

That's what I am, no what I've become.

Everyone hurts or has hurt once in their life, and as a wise friend of mine once said that every person carries scars on their hearts or else that person would have a shallow soul.

It's true.

I have encountered many people during my rather long 'life' not a single one had never hurt. Even if it was rather silly things, but still everyone has or will hurt once in their life.

Some are stronger…

Some are weaker…

Me?

I'm surprised you'd be interested…

I'm a mask as simple as that; I am a person pretending to be something else. I hide beneath my falseness and surreal façade.

Yes, I hide.

Why?

Because I hurt… Deeply…

Every single day of life is a hardship, but no one will know…

No one will care…

Not even my so-called 'friends'…

Don't get me wrong, 'my' friends really love 'me' or should I say false me? And I'm certain that 'I' or it loves them back.

But what about **me**? The Real me?

Do I not yearn to be happy?

Of course, who doesn't?

What about my happiness?

No one will know…

Because no one will care… 

People think they know me, but they are wrong.

People think I'm an idiot.

_But I'm not. _

People think I'm klutzy, maybe even a ditz.

_But I'm pretending. _

Sure, I'm not the perfect person; I am somewhat careless, a little selfish…

_But no one understands. _

People think all I do is talk. And I do talk a lot…

I just don't mean any of it… 

People think I live in never ending happiness, perkiness, and joy…

_Because I don't let them see me. _

Why?

_Because I'm scared. _

Yes, I am terrified because I know no one will accept me for what I truly am.

What am I truly?

Ha. Wouldn't you like to know?

But you never will…

Why?

You don't deserve it…

Why ruin peoples' lives with your never-ending misery if you can make them smile and laugh?

Sure I've thought of suicide and other self-destructive things, but if there is something that people do know of me is that… I care… Too much…

Maybe the people 'I' know don't actually know 'me'

Heck, they barely say hello to me if they see me out of work.

But still… I care…

Too much to see them suffer…

To be pained…

To know the horrors of 'me'…

So I swallow my pain and put on another of my false smiles. After living so long you have a lot of time to practice them.

Even if it's the slightest pain I help…

How I envy them…

All of them…

Humans…

With their stupid little problems, I feel like walking up to them and asking, " Did you die the most horrible way possible? Have you been tortured for information, had your innocence taken, seen all the ones you love die in front of your eyes and come back for a miserable afterlife taking dead peoples souls back and forth while they practically dump their misery n you? Blame you? Have you ever tried your hardest and not been appreciated one bit? Do people scoff at you as you walk by? Do you die every day when you hear your "friends" talking bad about you behind your back, when you thought you could trust them?"

I have, I do everyday.

I die every single day.

People think I don't know what they think of me. I do…

Worthless, ditzy, airhead, bubble-brain, stupid, useless, annoying… 

I hear it every single time.

And it hurts…

Badly…

So much…

That I want to die a million deaths… Over and over…

Before hearing the only people you love talking like that. As if your trash.

I suffered a lot during my 'life' but I got over it, life or death goes on, but still…

I still have those nightmares…

Death, rape, blood…

Blood everywhere…

My family's blood…

My friend's blood…

I see it all the time

And the worst part is, I'll be the one they see when they die. It will all be my fault…

There is only one single soul in this universe that understands me…

If we didn't have each other I think we both would have died sooner.

Don't get me wrong; I don't love him in a romantic way just like friends. Besides his heart belongs to someone else and I would dare not love, I would only suffer more.

His name is Kazuma. Kuwabara Kazuma.

He is the nicest person you would ever get the honor to meet or at least in my opinion. I know most people hate him.

He is spited in a similar way as I am. And regardless to most people he suffered much for a normal person during his childhood.

He's a strong person but especially a kind one.

I'm glad he's here with me.

And that were both dieing at the same time. At least I'll have the satisfaction of dieing with someone who actually cared for me.

There is blood everywhere, his and mine.

We locked ourselves up in my apartment, used our spiritual power to keep it locked.

I slit his wrist…

He slit mine…

I wonder if it's a mistake?

Either way no one will miss us.

He smiles at me, I smile back.

Both real smiles, not the stupid bubbly ones I use.

He says my real smile is prettier.

So is his.

I'm glad to die smiling.

It's bliss to know all will be over soon.

So now you know why, but still I want you to know something.

Yusuke-kun: I know you never liked me; I always forced you to work. But still I will always love you. I hope you and Keiko-chan have the best of luck.

Kurama-chan: You were the next person I got along with out of the boys out of Kuwabara. I thank you for always being polite and always showing respect even if you didn't mean it. It was one of the few things the kept alive.

Hiei-san: I wish we had gotten along better, sorry I made you hate me…

Yukina-chan: You are one of the kindest souls I know I hope you find your brother soon and be very happy.

(Shizuru) onee-san: Thank you for comforting me when I cried. Thank you for understanding me and being my big sister, if Kazuma makes it out alive take care of him please. I'll try to save him I made sure his gashes weren't as deep as mine and I've healed him a bit he might make it.

Keiko-chan: You were one of my best friends; you do not know how I envy you. How I would wish to be you. Regardless I wish you best of luck and continue to slap Yusuke for me 'ne?

Koenma-sama: I hate you.

Everyone else: Good-bye, I hope you all live you lives to the fullest and don't make my mistakes.

Sincerely,

Botan, the Grim reaper.

And remember even the smallest things kill you on the inside.

########## Reality ########

Kazuma Kuwabara and Botan sat side by side, each writing their farewell.

"Kazu-chan are they still trying to break the door down?" Botan asked weakly.

He nodded "Don't worry they won't get in, not at least until spirit power gives out and that's pretty much like a minute near death right?" he asked giving another false goofy grin.

Botan gave her false smile "Yes"

Kuwabara frowned "Don't give me that kind of smile you know I hate it, if you're going to smile…"

"Smile for real, I know. But you stop smiling like that too you baka" Botan shot back at him.

"That hurts Miss death, here we are nearly dieing and people can still bring me down and make me feel even worse than I already do" the carrot top joked.

" Ha. I could say the same" Botan replied, closing her eyes, blood loss and weakness finally affecting her after 3 hours.

Kuwabara was also going drowsy. " Hey see you on the other side?" he asked.

"Yeah" she said back happily a real smile on her face.

15 minutes passed and…

The door broke down.

"Kuwabara! Botan!!"

######### Author notes ##########

Depressing huh?

I'm going to put the same story up with Kuwabara's POV and letter up next and I'm thinking of making alternate endings, a happier one and the horribly depressing one… Yup that sounds right.

I had to use Botan and Kuwabara. They both have sort of the same problems. And could people actually be that happy and stupid? Not really there has to be a reason so Bingo.

Thank you for reading, I own nothing.

R&R please if it's not too much of a pain?


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